Here are this week’s Kitty scopes. If you aren’t sure about which Kitty scope belongs to you, check out our article, “What’s my Kitty Scope Sign?” located here.

Tabby cats
One of your New Year’s resolutions is to spend more time savoring the many delectable tastes of as many different types of houseplants as possible. Although this is a grand idea, you’ll last approximately three days before you get really sick to your stomach from all the greens. By the end of the week, you’ll have recovered. Your lucky number this week is 94.

Ticked Tabby cats (Abyssinians)
This year, you have resolved to find yourself a job. Great idea! However, your future looks bleak in the careers of door-to-door salescat and seeing-eye cat. You will have much better luck as a taste tester for cat food, and you’ll also enjoy the work. If you find yourself in the unemployment line by Friday, consider prostitution.

Torbie cats
After the karaoke fiasco at the New Year’s Eve party, you don’t want to show your face again all week. We agree that you shouldn’t show your face, but there’s nothing wrong with wearing a mask. There’s a lot you can do when you’re wearing a mask, like go trick-or-treating, rob a bank, pretend you’re Richard Nixon. Remember these words: I am not a crook!

Tortoiseshell cats
Even you are in high spirits at the clean slates a New Year can provide. To clean your slate a little better, you can take a bath in gasoline and ask if anyone has a match — or you could simply go around and apologize to other cats whom you have had altercations with in recent months. We know you’d prefer the gasoline, but you might actually make some friends if you try to make amends.

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DETROIT, MICHIGAN - A 43 year old human is retracing his steps today, due to crossing a black cat’s path. Pumpkin, a black American Shorthair, states that she was on her way to find the origin of a delicious fish smell, when a human crossed her path. The man, who asked to have his name withheld, was not watching where he was going and thus stepped in front of Pumpkin on his way to work. He had already walked one mile of his trip. Since the metaphysical law exists that a human must not cross a black cat’s path, the man must atone for his mistake by retracing his steps backward until he reaches the origin of his trip. He is very sorry for his mistake and hopes that he does not experience any bad luck as a result of this incident. Pumpkin is still quite offended by the roadblock to the scent of fish, and hopes that the man returns to give an offering of fresh tuna in addition to his present ordeal.

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BURLINGTON, VERMONT - Up to 2,000 years before the human called Jesus Christ walked the Earth, Cats were held as sacred religious figures by humans in Egypt. Today, a cat calling herself Bastet is pushing for the religious status to be reinstated.

“Our people have been oppressed for too long,” she says. “Unrespected yet sacred felines are being killed maliciously or accidentally every day, without any penalty.” Bastet, who is named after the ancient Egyptian goddest Bast, says that in ancient writings, it was said that any human killing a sacred animal is to be put to death. Obviously, she feels, the treatment and well-being of cats everywhere should be held to a higher standard.

Aside from ensuring the safety and well-being of the feline, Bastet feels that there could be other benefits from re-introducing a protected religious status to felines. For instance, certain expenses might be considered tax-deductible for the care and worship of cats. Cats might once again return to the status of the protector of the home, as they did in the past when they were regarded as sacred by Egyptians. Back then, cats took care of their humans by protecting them from small predators. Nowadays, this symbiotic relationship does not exist and Bastet feels that it is due to the loss of the religious status.

Since the human government will not allow a feline to apply for status as a religion, Bastet says that humans will have to do this for us cats. Once this happens, we can expect greater changes and more formalized benefits, such as no-kill shelters, and changes in the law to better protect the felines’ interests. Cats with humans for pets might find themselves allowed to sit on counters and the table, an actual can of tuna every time the can opener makes a sound, and perhaps less of those annoying tiny humans pulling on tails.

Being a religious figure comes with a great deal of responsibility, but cats haven’t lost their touch in that regard. Instincts prevail and the cat who is allowed to be the protector of a home will do so. It just might take a lot of worship and convincing for some cats to get back to business. Humans who are preparing for the legalization of a cat religion may want to start by playing with their cats more, and bringing home live prey for the cat to chase and catch. A cat who is in shape and has lots of practice will do better at his job.

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