SALT LAKE CITY, UTAH - It doesn’t take criminals to fill up the jail cells in the Salt Lake City Pound, say neighborhood cats, where Stinky, a brain damaged kitten, is currently being held under charges of public lewdness.

The 8-month-old male feline has a condition which friends call “brain damage”, acquired when his mother dropped him on his head shortly after birth. The queen, realizing her mistake, shunned him from the litter in hopes that he would pass on and not have to live a life of suffering. Instead, neighborhood cats fostered the little kit and he has had a nice, happy life.

His freedom, however, was interrupted when there were complaints. Among the listed charges, he is accused of urinating in public, falsely impersonating a dog, disorderly conduct, public lewdness, mounting garden gnomes, and worst of all, jaywalking.

The friends of this kitten assert that his mental condition should be taken under consideration, because as a young and retarded cat, he can not be held entirely responsible for his actions. Also, since he does not currently have a legal guardian, he does not have anyone who can help keep him in line. The community has asked, therefore, that the kitten be placed in a home where he can be nurtured and cared for despite his condition, instead of facing the standard death penalty.

The city pound has declined to comment on the charges.

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New Year’s is quickly approaching, and with the new year comes the annual ritual of making resolutions to change something about yourself during the course of the year. So, what are your plans for 2006? Some cats may be vowing to cut down on the catnip habit, while others might be interested in pursuing a lifestyle that includes more naps. Perhaps you are one of those bold felines who want to make more time to explore the great outdoors. Veterinarians recommend that overweight cats get more exercise, change their diet, and lose some weight.

Have you thought about your pet human’s resolutions? A vast majority of American Humans are obese, many even morbidly so. Since you might be entrusted with the care of your human, you might consider his health while making your own resolutions for this year. That’s why we are making this guide to help you as a cat to treat your pet human to more exercise.

Before we list our tips, we should explain a little about how weight loss works. Basically, food is consumed as energy and any extra, unneeded food is stored in the human’s fat. It is kept there until there is a negative intake/expenditure, so the human will have energy when they are unable to eat. Energy is measured in calories. So, the simple formula is that a human needs to eat less calories than they need. It is easy to make a human need more calories by making them do more exercise. Popular theories are that a human usually needs around 2,000 calories per day and it takes a deficit of 3,500 calories to lose one pound of fat. That’s the simple math. Unfortunately there’s a lot more to it, but we don’t really have to waste time on it. All veterinarians and human physicians agree that eating less and exercising more will do the trick. Weight loss is not easy, but with hard work and dedication, any cat can convince their human to lose weight steadily and safely!
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Humans are picky creatures. They put things all around our homes that are great fun for us cats to sink our claws into, but they only want us using a limited number of those things to stretch out our digits. It can be quite difficult to learn which are on the “Ok” list and which aren’t, especially if you’re an older cat or have memory problems or you have a catnip abuse problem. We understand!

The United States Constitution has an amendment which says, The right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed. Many humans are very serious in their defense of this amendment, and it is our duty as cats to defend this amendment for ourselves. Our claws are very important to us. Not only do they allow us to defend ourselves against enemies, we use them for scratching our itches, stretching our leg muscles, exercising, and balancing while we stand, run, or walk.

Unlike humans and other animals, we do not walk on our feet. Cats have long feet, and the paws are actually the toes, or fingers, of the feet. Therefore, the part that we stand and walk on is the equivalent to toes or fingers. Since the claw is fused to the bone and grows out of it, the only way to truly disarm a cat is to remove the first knuckle. This is very painful and scary. Since we stand on our toes, if we are declawed we actually have to walk around on the amputated stumps while healing and every day thereafter. Since a declawed feline no longer has claws for balancing, many joints will align differently, which can cause back and joint pain all around the body.

The declawing surgery itself is also very dangerous. We hate to be bearers of the message of doom and gloom, but many veterinarians do not complete the surgery properly, leaving us with even shorter toes than intended, or they don’t completely remove the first knuckle, which means the claws will try to grow back and it will be very painful and difficult to walk. Another thing is that anesthesia itself carries a risk, and a small percentage of cats actually die under anesthesia — so it should never be used unless it is necessary (life threatening) to take the chance.

There are a number of things that can be done as an alternative to declawing a cat. For instance, you can learn which areas are safe to stretch your fingers and which are not. One way to help cats to remember which areas belong to the human and not to you, is to use Sticky Paws on the items of furniture in question. Once you feel the sticky stuff on your paws, you will remember that you aren’t supposed to scratch there. If that doesn’t work out for you, there are claw caps such as Soft Paws which just slide over your natural claws and prevent you from hurting your human’s furniture. They come in a variety of colors, including white, so you don’t have to feel like your new manicure is too girly (if you’re a tom). Soft Claws is another brand of nail caps, which come in a natural color. Also, there’s the old standby of getting a regular manicure. That is, get your nails trimmed regularly and you won’t pose a threat to the humans.

Just like we are naturally going to strike a human with our claws if they try to injure us, they might try to disarm us if we don’t keep our claws in check. So, we will have to make some negotiations and do what we can in order to help keep ourselves safe. One thing you can do is learn all that you can about the safe use of your claws and then print out a Claw License which shows that you have the right to keep and bear claws. We will post one here for you to use as a guide:

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