catnabbit!

News, Humor, Jokes and Satire by Cats, for Cats!

Over Nine Thousand Cats Removed From Home

WAYNESVILLE, IL - The SPCA Animal Cruelty Investigators are once again shaking their heads as they process thousands of cats who have been removed from a home in an otherwise quiet Illinois suburb.

“I had no idea there were so many cats in that house,” said neighbor Rosemary DeHoog. “How could she possibly have fit so many cats in there?”

It is true that a few stray cats roaming the neighborhood have led residents of the 6000 block of Snapper Street to call Lisa Hassinger the “Crazy Cat Lady.” When the elderly Mrs. Hassinger passed away three weeks ago, neighbors notified the police that they suspected another cat or two may be inside her home. Animal Control arrived on the scene and were astounded to find over 9,320 cats inhabiting every nook and cranny of the Hassinger home. While they were able to remove all of the cats, they are still puzzled over what to do with them all.

This is the latest in a string of nationwide animal cruelty investigations, topping record numbers of over 200 cats that were removed from a home in a suburb of Syracuse. In that case, as well as this one, cats living in these circumstances have not been properly cared for and have been suffering from a number of common complaints such as:

  1. “We don’t have enough string to play with.”
  2. “Please, sir. Could I have a little more tuna?”
  3. “There’s no one to shove my butt in their face.”
  4. “The mice are all gone.”
  5. “Elevator what?
  6. “Could you scratch my back? Oh, yeah. Right there.”
  7. “Excuse me, we were working on our kitty line-dancing routine.”
  8. “Blasts! My quest for world domination has been foiled!”

Since Mrs. Hassinger is deceased, and no one has been found to have had knowledge of the cats, no charges are currently pending. Those wishing to help can contact their local SPCA or animal shelter to arrange donations for the prevention and protection of cats affected by animal cruelty.

Joke for Humans: Ways to know your cat has your internet password

  • E-Mail flames from some guy named “Fluffy.”
  • Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard.
  • You find you’ve been subscribed to strange newsgroups like alt.recreational.catnip.
  • Your web browser has a new home page http://www.feline.com.
  • Your mouse has teeth marks in it… and a strange aroma of tuna.
  • Hate-mail messages to Apple Computer Corp. about their release of “CyberDog.”
  • Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial scent to it.
  • You keep finding new software around your house like CatinTax and WarCat II.
  • On IRC you’re known as the IronMouser.
  • Little kitty carpal-tunnel braces near the scratching post

Kitty Scopes Horoscopes: January 29 - February 4

Here are this week’s Kitty scopes. If you aren’t sure about which Kitty scope belongs to you, check out our article, “What’s my Kitty Scope Sign?” located here. We apologize for the delay in publishing the ’scopes this week. We had to care for our human who has become very ill.

Tabby cats
You believe you have hit the smoked tuna motherlode when your human brings home a package cleverly disguised as a 10-pound ham. As you stash and unwrap the package, you’ll discover that you have been thwarted, and it is instead filled with useless hundred-dollar bills.

Ticked Tabby cats (Abyssinians)
This week you will peek into the backyard with your binoculars and identify a new species of bird. Write a poem about the experience and send it to a poetry contest, so that it will be published. Your humans will be so proud, they’ll have to reward you by buying you that kitty spa you always wanted.

Torbie cats
This week you read a book by Nicole Hollander and discovered that your true ancestry is not from some line of cats that migrated from Asia, but instead you came from the cat astronauts of the planet Hsif. Prepare your belongings in anticipation for the day that the astronaut cats of Hsif will return and take you home!

Tortoiseshell cats
This week, someone’s going to put a sign on your butt that says “kick me.” The question is, do you want to present your butt to everyone to find out if they will take it off?

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