Greetings. My designation is Gumbie of Catnabbit! and you all will be assimilated.

It all started on Thursday afternoon when a number of things seemed to go awry. I knew that something wasn’t right when my nose stopped dripping and my human put me in the plastic torture and restraining device. I am the “Good Baby” she says, I am the “Sweet Little Gum Drop,” the “Gumbie Gumball.” Foolish woman. I have an eye laser. I can not be willfully restrained by piddly plastic and steel. Regardless of her apparent stupidity, I decided to humor her by playing along with this little game.

So she took me outside and put me in this device that growls and throws you around a lot. It is very loud, and capable of playing music. I noticed that it was blowing cool air on my face. I am the Gumbie Gumball and I have an eye laser! I can not be broken with these pitiful techniques. I squeaked out a few little “mews” so she’d think that she was getting her way, but I knew better. When she finally stopped the machine she took my box and put me in a room with a bunch of other animals in boxes.

I may be only 13 weeks old, but I can recognize the signs when I see them. She was taking me to play “alien abductions” where she gets to be the alien and I get to be the abductee. I scanned the room with my laser eye to rule out the presence of any actual aliens before I allowed her to continue on her pathetic scheme. It was safe — generally speaking.

Next, she took me to a quiet, private room that smelled like flowers. I could recognize the voice of a V-E-T in the room. And I don’t mean the veterinarian. I mean she is the Very-Evil-Technician. She was the Veterinary Technician from hell and she wanted to give me gasp! kitten vaccinations! This total jerk of a human being that was supposed to be my pet, handed me over to the vet technician and said, “Gumbie, show her your pretty eyes!”

I shouted back, “No! No, you worthless beast that I used to call my pet! I will use my eye laser on you, you! In your sleep! You will never see another day if it’s the last thing I do!”

I don’t think she understood me. In fact, she took my head and turned me towards her and held me in a headlock so that I could not look at the veterinary technician with my laser eye. She knew what I would do. She even covered up my eye. Blasted woman. I could have finished them both with a thought!

Instead, I had to listen to the woman and the VET technician yammering on about pet vaccinations and needles and boring stuff like “feline vaccination sarcoma,” whatever that junk is. Couldn’t they just stick me and get it over with? No no no, they had to drag it out and talk about my safety, as though shoving a needle in my back has anything to do with safety.

Well, I have to tell you something. You have to be careful what you wish for. Just when I was praying for this needle stick to be over with, the real sci-fi business kicked in. The V-E-T started rubbing my behind with something that smells like beer, and she got out this strange device that can supposedly give your kitten vaccinations without a needle! I’ve only seen that on the sci-fi channel on TV and in movies!

I am now convinced that the V-E-T is not a veterinary technician but in fact a real, live, alien. The device which delivers the injection actually blows a mist against your skin with such force that it breaks your skin and goes inside. I got my kitten shots from a real, live alien. Wow! I’ve read a lot of stories about alien abductions, and I’m sure my experience was not the worst, but it wasn’t the best either. To be honest, alien abductions are not all they are cracked up to be. That device is very loud, and scared the crap out of me. I think it also temporarily disabled my laser eye, because everything went kind of wobbly after that and I just wanted to lay down for a few hours.

But now I am feeling better, and my backside is sore and so is my neck. My laser eye is working again, as I have already tested it on an insect that managed to find its way into my home. That traitor of a human pet is sitting just inches away from me now, and she says she is going to sleep soon. My moment will arrive shortly.

She will pay for her misdeeds.

It is only a matter of time, my friends.

Only a matter of time.

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St-Jean sur Richelieu, Québec, Canada — An unlikely pairing of cat and rooster led to the incubation of 7 kitten eggs last week. Ginette, a 4 year old tabby, is currently looking forward to raising 7 chicken-cat babies, or “chats” for short. She learned she was expecting just a few weeks ago, before she began laying eggs.

“I didn’t even know I was fertile,” she said, noting that she thought she was spayed as a kitten. It is rare but not impossible for spays to be incomplete. Several litters of kittens were born this year to supposedly “spayed” cats, hinting at the possibility of an incomplete spay or veterinary negligence. Cats spay at 4-6 months of age but the procedure can be done earlier or later at a greater risk.

While she refuses to comment on the exact circumstances under which she became pregnant with with her “chats,” she does note that Maurice, her rooster companion, plans to be available for the rearing of their strange offspring. “Hatching eggs is hard work,” she says. In order for the growing “chats” to survive, she must keep them warm 24 hours a day. She takes her meals at her nest, but she still must leave the nest to use the litter box. During that time, Maurice takes a turn at incubating the eggs and keeping them warm while Ginette takes care of business.

Caring for a kitten is difficult enough for a young, first-time mother cat, but compounded with an interspecies breeding, Ginette is both excited and scared of what is to come. Unknown yet is the status of how the babies will eat. A standard kitten diet usually consists of milk nursed from the mother cat, but Ginette is not sure whether her young will be able to nurse or whether a kitten diet would even be appropriate. The young “chats” might be born with tiny beaks and need to eat chicken meals. Ginette is not interested in old-fashioned kitten feeding if they have beaks.

Unfortunately, time is running out. The average gestation of a kitten is 63 days, while the average gestation of a chicken is 22 days. Hatching eggs in this particular situation could fall anywhere in between.

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Albion, ID — A SWAT team arrived on the scene Tuesday afternoon after neighbors called 911 reporting a foul smell that seemed like chemical odors. They had no idea that they were going to be sent on a wild goose chase involving a small cat named Richter.

When the authorities rang the doorbell at the 800 block of East North Street, neighbors were complaining of fainted relatives and wilted flowers. The man who answered the door called himself Jim Mason and he was wearing a pair of overalls but little else. When he invited the men in, the stench was astounding - the SWAT team had to put on their gas masks to enter. They inspected the home for drugs, chemicals, weapons, and bombs but found nothing. “It must have been my cat Richter,” he said. “He’s always passing gas.”

Richter then backed out of the door and bolted, with the SWAT team running after him. They tailed the cat as he ran down three blocks and across countless yards. Finally the cat was apprehended, but he still claims innocence. “It was my human who was passing gas!” the cat exclaimed, but the police are refusing to accept Richter’s plea. He will have to tell it to the judge on Wednesday afternoon, where he will be charged with counts of Toxic flatulence, Passing gas in the vicinity of elderly women, and if the district attorney sees fit, “Toot and Run.”

Albion, Idaho is commonly known as a ghost town with around 100 residents and several vacant properties. No fatalities have yet been reported in connection to this incident.

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