MIDDLE EAST - Archaeologists searching for the Judaeo-Christian “city of origin” called Eden are now adding Catnip to their list of possible plants that grew in the Garden of Eden.

According to historical religious documents, this legendary city from which all life was created, was inhabited by cats as well as humans and other animals. Unfortunately the humans made a catastrophic mistake by eating a fruit that they weren’t supposed to. According to Legend, God squirted the humans with his majestic water gun and kicked them as well as all of the other creatures out of the city. Since that time, humans have been forced to cultivate the land so that it will provide food for all other creatures. It’s the least they can do, right?

Although archaologists disagree on the present-day location of the old garden, most agree that it was located in the Middle East, possibly in Iran or in a now-underwater location. If Catnip did indeed grow in the legendary Garden, then we can be certain that cats since the beginning of time have been able to enjoy this plant and it was intended for our pleasure and conservatives should no longer consider it a “drug.”

Other plants that grew in the Garden of Eden include:

The Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil
The Tree of Life
Christmas Tree
Telephone Tree
Decision Tree
Banana Tree (Not actually a tree)
Family Tree
Dog

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CALGARY, “Jesusland” — Albertan cats are in disarray after reports that a Calgary litterbox has claimed the life of a third cat this year.

Caruso, a 5-year-old black cat, came into posession of a reportedly haunted litterbox last July in an estate sale. Always a frugal feline, he was overjoyed at the opportunity to purchase a low-cost litter pan that had apparently seen very little use. The covered cat litter box had recently been cleaned and shined, so without question, he bought and took the litter box home.

Witnesses say that they had seen a face in the side of the litterbox (see photo above) but Caruso’s curiosity only strengthened when he later discovered that the litter box was in fact listed as “haunted” in a feline registry of ghost-inhabited litterboxes. Ghosts frequently bite a cat on the tail while a litterbox is occupied, causing a cat to exit without covering his waste. Subsequently a bitten cat may run rabid around his home until the ghost’s venom subsides.

In this particular case, Caruso had not heard of what this particular haunted litterbox was capable of. The ghost occupant of the litterbox had already bitten several of his housemates, but Caruso had been known to make the most “fragrant” deposits in any litterbox he visited. Witnesses say that this angered the ghost greatly, and it violently attacked Caruso after one particularly stinky “poo.”

Previous victims include Kashka and Hurlyburlybuss, also of Calgary. Franchette of Trois-Rivières is also listed as a possible victim, but she does not count as she is from Québec.

The haunted litterbox is now being held by a local church as it readies itself to perform an exorcism.

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Dear Catnabbit!

I wanted to write to you about a terrible thing that is happening on a website called Myspace. Hopefully if you can get the word out, cats everywhere will be safe from the growing menace of humans masquerading as cats!

It all started about a month ago when I first signed up to Myspace. My friends had told me about this great site where I could meet other cats to make friends and maybe even find a nice young Tomcat to have a fling with! I made a page with my own profile and I found out that I could even write my own blog! I quickly found some groups for other cats who are on Myspace and they all wanted to be my friend!

Before long, I had close to a hundred “friends” who all purported themselves to be cats. I thought I was the luckiest cat in the world when Oliver asked me on a date! He was the hottest tom on myspace, and he wanted to see me in real life! Of course I wanted to meet with him! So we arranged to meet in the alley behind Target, and he promised to bring the fish and catnip for a nice romantic dinner date.

Oh Catnabbit, if I had only listened to the rumors I had heard! Oliver was no cat! He didn’t even look anything like the picture in his Myspace profile! He wasn’t a cat, a dog, or even a ferret. He was a man! A fat, hairy man who looked like he was in his 40’s. Of course, as soon as he introduced himself as Oliver and said, “Here, kitty” I took off in the other direction!

When I told my friends about this, I found out that I was not the first to be duped by this sinister man. In fact, this guy apparently has several Myspace profiles he uses, to lure cats into meeting him. Some cats have gone to meet him and no one ever saw them again! We think that maybe he is taking them home and restricting their internet access, and we have no idea what he might be doing to them!

Please, Catnabbit, get the word out! The cats on Myspace need to know that a human can very easily present himself as a cat, so everyone needs to be careful when planning to meet another feline online! I was fortunate enough to get away, but someone else might not be so lucky!

Sincerely,

Dobbie (a real live cat)

Hi Dobbie,

Thanks for letting us know! Catnabbit has had a small presence on Myspace for quite some time, but we have been careful not to meet any cats that we talk to online. You just can’t be too careful these days.

One thing we’ve noticed is that the most suspicious cats on Myspace use premade Myspace layouts. Usually if a cat is genuine, he’s smart enough and has enough time to make a Myspace layout of his own. Humans are more lazy than we are (believe it or not) and are more likely to use a premade layout to quickly “get down to business” of luring people or cats under false pretenses. Be on guard!

One advantage cats have over humans is that a large percentage of us are spayed or neutered and therefore don’t have an absolute need to meet in “real life” in order to communicate with other cats. In fact, almost all cats would prefer to never meet another cat except for reasons of procreation.

So, keep your feline friends far and your enemies further!

If you are still interested in Myspace, we have uncovered several links to Cat Groups on Myspace (you have been warned):

smitten kittens of myspace
*Cat Lovers*
Cats Kittens and Felines
Cats Rock!
We Hate the Vet!
The Catnip Party Network
Cats Rule! Dogs Drool!

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