ALLENTOWN, PA – Everyone knows what bad humans get in their shoes and stockings on Christmas, but what do bad kittens get? Apparently, instead of a visit from Santa Claws, the knotty cats get a visit from the Unholy Vacuum Beast! In this video we received on Boxing Day (which is the day after Christmas, for those not “in the know”), an unidentified knotty kitten bravely fights the Vacuum instead of simply running away.

This year, over 7 million well-behaved felines received gifts from Santa Claws, including bags of catnip, cat treats, furry mice (both artificial and “real”), and rattling balls. Those who were especially magnificent also received carpeted or sisal scratching posts, kitty condos, and littermaids.

In addition to visits from the Unholy Vacuum Beast, knotty cats received gifts of Vicks Vapo-Rub, electric shavers, bath tubs, and buckets of water. The especially bad cats also found that all containers of catnip in their homes were turned into laser pointers — without the batteries!

Related:

2005 Santa Claws Report
Outraged Cats Protest Vacuum Cartoon

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A Cat’s Thoughts at Christmas

My fur is so soft and my face is so cute,
But don’t get the notion that I give a hoot.
Now sleeping’s the thing that I do the best,
But sometimes I yowl like I’m demon-possessed.
I can bleat like a lamb or hiss like a snake,
I can cuddle and purr and play pattycake.
My teeth are like sabers, my claws are sharp too,
I could rip up your sofa if I had a mind to.

My needs are so humble my body so small,
Fastidious, quick, with lots on the ball.
If I’m in the mood you can give me a hug.
Sometimes I get sick and I puke on the rug.

I can run like a deer and I kick like a mule,
And to quote Mr. T, “I pity the fool”
or the one who annoys me or hassles my life
‘Cause I’ll fill up his days with scratching and strife.

Stealthy and savage are predators ways,
A wildlife assassin for all of my days.
When I’m slathered in gore deconstructing a mouse
I feel like a tiger, the lord of the house.

If I’m wheezing and gagging I hope you don’t mind,
It’s a big honkin’ hairball and I’ll be just fine.
It comes from the lapping and grooming and stuff,
And the fact that my tongue is sandpapery rough.

My ears are all pointy, my teeth are sharp too,
I bury my duty, and few critters do.
I can see in the dark, grab a fly from the air,
Hear a hummingbird hiccup from way over there.

A bag of clean laundry, it just smells so great.
You can dump it right here and please call me at eight.
Though I’m naughty and snotty you love me to death.
And I like you much better with fish on your breath.

I’m clean and I’m dainty, I like to climb trees,
And sometimes my dander can cause folks to sneeze.
When startled or challenged I puff up my fur,
But scratching my ears will get me to purr.

Tuna fish, birdies, the sun on the sill,
These are my goodies till I’m over the hill.
Curiosity leads me to get all my kicks.
Life is so sweet when you’ve mastered the tricks.

Snoozing in sunbeams, alert for a noise,
I love to sniff catnip and play with my toys.
A treasure to cherish for husband or wife,
Adorable me, I’m the cat in your life.

By Fred Brennion, December, 1997

This was emailed to me this morning and we think it is a delightful poem. Thanks Fred!

I also wrote a poem this morning.

Roses are red, Catnip is green,
Please give me your catnip or I’ll get really mean!

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Dear Catnabbit!

Of 16 cats, 25% preferred salmon flavored cat food, 25% preferred liver and onions, and 50% prefferred tuna. To find out how many cats preferred liver and onions, which percent proportion would you use?

Sincerely,

Robby Puppykat
Garland, Texas

Dear Robby,

Thank you for writing to us. In order to answer your question, I visited behind the dark area behind the refrigerator to speak with the dust bunnies. It’s a psychic technique which I like to call Refrigerdustology. I have communicated with the dust bunnies and they have spoken.

Firstly, they tell me that it is terribly awful that any commercial cat food would sell a “liver and onions” flavored cat food. This is because cats are severely allergic to onions (It’s true! Ask your vet!). After eating onions, a cat’s kidneys will begin a self-destruct timer between the periods of six and 72 hours. Depending on the actual amount of onions ingested, the cat will either spontaneously implode, suffer extreme kidney damage, or have a case of bad gas. In any case, we do not recommend trying this at home.

Next, the dust bunnies tell me that it would be wrong for us to do the homework for a young kitten such as yourself. Therefore, we made a cheese chart which will hopefully answer the question for you through deductive reasoning, which you should have used in the first place:

Lastly, regarding your unasked question about the missing plastic ball with the bell in the middle: it can be found in the human’s litterbox, behind the toilet. Be careful when retrieving it, because your human has had too much eggnog and he is going to miss.

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