16. Couldn’t muster up sufficient disdain if all nine lives depended on it!

15. You’ve repeatedly found him in the closed garage, hunched over the wheel of your running Buick.

14. Sits for hours in fascination while listening to Bob Dole.

13. Teeth and claw marks all over your now-empty bottles of Prozac.

12. No longer licks paws clean, but washes them at the sink again and again and again…

11. Continually scratches on the door to get in… the OVEN door.

10. Doesn’t get Garfield, but laughs like hell at Marmaduke.

9. Rides in your car with its head out the window.

8. She’s a dues-paid, card-carrying member of the Reform Party.

7. You realize one day that the urine stains on the carpet actually form the letters N-E-E-D T-H-E-R-A-P-Y.

6. Has built a shrine to Andrew Lloyd Webber entirely out of empty “9 Lives” cans.

5. Spends all day in litterbox separating the green chlorophyll granules from the plain white ones.

4. After years of NPR, Tabby is suddenly a Ditto-Puss.

3. Sullen and overweight, your sunglass-wearing cat shoots the TV with a .45 Magnum when it sees cartoon depictions of stupid or lazy felines.

2. Your stereo is missing, and in the corner you find a pawn ticket and 2 kilos of catnip.

and the Number 1 Sign Your Cat has a Personality Disorder…

1. Makes an attempt on “First Cat” Sock’s life in a pathetic attempt to impress Jodie Foster.

Thanks to the anonymous emailer!

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MICHIGAN - Toonces has long enchanted the hearts of television viewers after his appearances on Saturday Night Live starring as Toonces, the Driving Cat, but little did anyone know that his evil twin sister, Floonces, really does have a drinking problem. Late Sunday evening, Floonces was arrested on charges of Drunk Driving and Public Urination, suggesting to those of us at Catnabbit! that she may have been the one to write in advance asking what the penalties might be.

According to authorities, the red 1987 Ford purported to be owned by Floonces the Drunk Driving Cat was seen flying off a cliff late Sunday evening. When police arrived at the scene, the cat was discovered to be urinating on the telephone pole with which her car had collided. The Feline floozy then proceeded to fail all three (videotaped) field sobriety tests which the police gave her. When asked to touch her paw to her nose, she laid down and went on to lick her behind. When asked to recite the alphabet, Floonces stumbled after “n.” She claimed, according to the arrest report, that the letter “n” was followed by “i, z, m, n, o, p, q, r, s, t, v, z, t, u, v……….x,y,z.” Lastly, when the cat was asked to walk a straight line, turn around, and walk back, Floonces took thirteen steps and fell forward, flat on her face.

Although the legal limit in Michigan is 0.08, Floonces tested for a blood alcohol level of 5.72. This level would be considered “beyond fatal” by most veterinarians and physicians, but Floonces may have survived her accident because of the amount of alcohol in her system. One county jail employee was quoted as saying, “That’s more like blood in her alcohol stream.”

After posting a $25 bond, Floonces the Drunk Driving Cat was released at 8:20 a.m. from the county lockup. Upon her release, she was given back her personal belongings which included fourteen pounds of catnip, a “black cat” shot glass, six cans of Pounce cat treats, and a plastic water gun.

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The Feline’s Bill of Rights
(Of the Cat’s Constitution)

Just like humans, cats are part of the family and have the following rights:

1. The right to be full members of your family. They thrive on social interaction, praise, and love.
2. The right to stimulation. They need new games, new toys, new experiences, and new smells to be happy.
3. The right to regular exercise. Without it, they could become hyper, sluggish… or fat.
4. The right to have fun. They enjoy acting like clowns now and then; but don’t expect them to be predictable all the time.
5. The right to quality health care. Please stay good friends with the vet!
6. The right to a good diet. Like some people, they don’t know what’s best for them. They depend on you.
7. The right not to be rejected because of expectations that they must be great show cats, or watch cats, etc.
8. The right to receive proper training. Otherwise, their good relationship could be marred by confusion and strife and they could become dangerous to themselves and others.
9. The right to guidance and correction based on understanding and compassion, rather than abuse.
10. The right to live with dignity… and to die with dignity when the time comes.

From Bob L.

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