Fargo, ND - A vicious bed monster’s reign of terror was ended Thursday when local cats apprehended the beast.
Since 2003, a frightening lump in the bed has been terrorizing local cats who have tried frantically to capture it. “It was always on the move,” says an anonymous witness. “Just when I thought I would catch it, it always got away.” The lump in the bed has been sighted in several households, always an uninvited guest. During a usual attack, the lump moves back and forth along a bed, frightening cats and humans alike. Although no casualties have been reported, two victims have been treated for injury when the lump bit their paws.
Due to the high profile of the lump’s activity, many copycat cases have also evolved. In those cases, the imposter turned out to be only a human hand, human foot, or another cat. No other arrests have been made at this time.
The bed lump monster, whose identity is still being confirmed, is now facing 23 counts of breaking & entering, 82 counts of scaring the feces out of a cat (Penal Code 91-C violation), and 147 counts of evading arrest. A preliminary interview with the lump’s attorney has yielded little information, but witnesses have reported that the lump claims it can nuzzle its way under the usual “paperwork shuffle” and evade justice yet again.