BREAKING NEWS - Catnabbit! has received a communication from what appears to be a black, domestic medium-haired cat who has apparently declared Jihad against cat grooming performed by humans.
The cat, who calls himself Asad (which means Lion in Arabic), has issued a fatwa, urging all cats to take up arms against groomers because they commit sacriledge on the feline’s honor. All over the world, the ‘infidels,’ as Asad calls them, are depriving cats of their dignity through various methods which are wholly unnecessary. It has already been proven for centuries that cats are able to bathe and groom on their own, and the barbaric procedures performed by so-called “pet” groomers are both stressful and hazardous to the health.
Catnabbit! has been granted permission to reprint a statement issued by Asad:
During the “cat grooming” process, a pet human takes the cat by car or truck to a secret place that resembles a veterinarian’s office and leaves him alone with a strange woman or man. This man has several cat grooming tools at his disposal which are on-par with medieval torture methods of the 1500’s. He also probably learned his methods from some internet site like “How to bathe a cat,” “Shaving your cat,” or “Cat Grooming for Dummies” and doesn’t even care that we are perfectly capable of grooming ourselves. The cat is then subjected to being submerged in water, causing him to fear that he will be drowned. During this time, a soapy substance is rubbed into the fur, a substance whose odor makes our litterboxes smell like a haven.
Once he is sufficiently terrified, the cat is then removed from the tub of water and dried. Drying is usually accomplished by firing a hot-air cannon at the cat while he is held down against his will, sometimes by two or more human strangers. After this, his hair is shaved away from his skin, exposing the cat’s nearly-furless skin for all to see. Often, the shaving is done in the fashion of the “lion cut”, which allows tufts of hair on the head, paws, and tail. The rest of the body is left au naturel and immodest, so that the cat can be humiliated and laughed at both by his peers and humans alike.
Once the cat is disrobed by these barbarian “cat grooming” infidels, his claws are chipped off with sharp scissors or clippers. Sometimes this is done before anything else, leaving the cat nearly defenseless against his tormentors. After all of these things are done, the cat might be fitted with clothing designed for tiny dogs or puppies, thus lowering the cat to a level of embarrassment, more extreme than any he has yet known. Other times, the cat has had colored “claw covers” placed over his nails, making him look like a human female, also lowering his defenses against enemies.
This is an abomination to cats worldwide and it must be stopped. Many cats have died from the stress that these procedures incur and it is said that many of these “pet groomers” have already stopped their services for cats because it is dangerous for both the human and the cat. While some veterinarians have come up with the suggestion to sedate the cat while “grooming” him, this also has led to cats’ deaths and those surviving wish that they’d been euthanized.
The statement goes on to list recommended methods of retaliation, such as biting, scratching, kicking, and spraying on the groomer and his tools of destruction. As more weapons become available to cats, Asad insists, they should absolutely be used to eliminate all human groomers at any cost.