Winky the Safety Cat was one of the first cats with frickin’ laserbeams.  He rode in the backs of peoples’ cars and signaled when the car signaled.  However, the flashing red eyes must have caused several wrecks and murdered several people, because the original Winky family is no longer in business. 

Now, cats who live in trepidation of cats with frickin’ laserbeams may have a little more to fear:  a man who is clearly not a veterinarian has posted dialog and step-by-step instructions as to how one may install frickin’ laserbeams in their own cat, thus making their own Winky the White Cat at home.

This laser eye surgery, once thought to be an expensive and dangerous process, has been simplified to the point that nearly any human could complete the process.  cats should beware any humans holding feline wiring diagrams, a large stuffed cat that they “practice on,” replacement veins, arteries, and neural wiring that the human calls “electrical wiring.”  The cause for highest alarm should be the presence of laser pointers in the home.  Laser technology has advanced to include green laser pointers and blue ones, so that humans could even attempt to match the true colors of cats’ eyes.  A cat with a laser eye is considered to be highly dangerous and one should never look such a cat in the eye. 

Jessi Garza, a cat advocate from New Jersey, states that cats with frickin’ laserbeams are harmless, but the laser eye surgery could pose a danger if not completed by a licensed veterinarian. 

Link:

Jalopnik: Wanky the Safety Cat (with instructions)

Share This

CRAWFORD, TEXAS - In the anti-terror capital of the world, there are only three things to do: Polish your gun, drink a beer, and play cards. In the first “deck of terror” novelty playing cards since 2003, the “Furr-eners” have a full house.

Modeled after the famous “Terrorist Playing Cards” and “Iraqi Most Wanted” (or “personality identification playing cards” as they were officially known), “Furr-eners” depicts the most evil, heinous foreign felines in the history of cat-kind. These “Most Wanted Cats” constitute the 55 felines that pose the greatest threat to cats today.

Since this pack of unique novelty cards are in a limited edition print, Catnabbit! has only been able to get their paws on seven of the cards, which we will share with you today.

• 

  ACE OF SPADES: Jimmy the Claw has a long history of trouble-making which ranks him as the highest in the “Most Wanted” of cats to date. In one harrowing story, Mr. The Claw dunked at least 32 kittens in a bucket of water as an act of “cleansing.” In another incident, Jimmy the Claw commanded his armies to vacuum the carpets in all households, creating an environment of fear for cats all over the world.

• 

  KING OF HEARTS: Rocky singlehandedly manipulates and controls all veterinarians in the United States. He forces them to stick needles and blunt objects into cats and conduct strange “tests” on us that we (usually) have not consented to. It is rumored that without veterinarians, 99% of cats and dogs would never have to worry about a needle or blunt object again!

• 

  JACK OF SPADES: Tinkerbelle has a quest: to dress all cats in fluffy, frilly pink dresses. Even the males. Once they are forced into this ridiculous garb, she wants to hug them and kiss them and squeeze them til they pop. While she has not yet said what she plans to do with the cats’ remains after they “pop” although rumor has it that she has a recipe for “kitty stew” she has stashed in the bottom of her toy box.

• 

  NINE OF CLUBS: Slash has been accused on 436 counts of of plugging cats’ whiskers into light-sockets. Cats who discover Slash should exercise extreme caution and possible call for backup before approaching this armed, and dangerous cat.

• 

  EIGHT OF DIAMONDS: Spike, one of the famous “Cats with Frickin’ Laserbeams,” has used his laser eyes to destroy over 5,024,912 kilograms of catnip in a supposed attack in the “war on drugs.” It is also rumored that he scared the pants off of Jack Bauer in the second season of 24.

• 

  FIVE OF DIAMONDS: PARIS goes from home to home sight unseen, video-taping cats (and humans) in their weakest and most embarrassing moments. If you’ve found yourself as one of the victims displayed on “America’s Funniest Videos,” you may have had Paris in your home and you didn’t even know it!

• 

  TWO OF HEARTS: Sylvester didn’t taw a puddy tat! This evil cat sneaks around at night in the homes of innocent felines and knocks over flower pots, glass collectibles, and other valuables so that everyone will get their feet messy first thing in the morning. He goes out of his way to frame the innocent house-cat as part of his work. Cats everywhere are urged to stop this evil cat at once!

Share This

Greetings. My designation is Gumbie of Catnabbit! and you all will be assimilated.

It all started on Thursday afternoon when a number of things seemed to go awry. I knew that something wasn’t right when my nose stopped dripping and my human put me in the plastic torture and restraining device. I am the “Good Baby” she says, I am the “Sweet Little Gum Drop,” the “Gumbie Gumball.” Foolish woman. I have an eye laser. I can not be willfully restrained by piddly plastic and steel. Regardless of her apparent stupidity, I decided to humor her by playing along with this little game.

So she took me outside and put me in this device that growls and throws you around a lot. It is very loud, and capable of playing music. I noticed that it was blowing cool air on my face. I am the Gumbie Gumball and I have an eye laser! I can not be broken with these pitiful techniques. I squeaked out a few little “mews” so she’d think that she was getting her way, but I knew better. When she finally stopped the machine she took my box and put me in a room with a bunch of other animals in boxes.

I may be only 13 weeks old, but I can recognize the signs when I see them. She was taking me to play “alien abductions” where she gets to be the alien and I get to be the abductee. I scanned the room with my laser eye to rule out the presence of any actual aliens before I allowed her to continue on her pathetic scheme. It was safe — generally speaking.

Next, she took me to a quiet, private room that smelled like flowers. I could recognize the voice of a V-E-T in the room. And I don’t mean the veterinarian. I mean she is the Very-Evil-Technician. She was the Veterinary Technician from hell and she wanted to give me gasp! kitten vaccinations! This total jerk of a human being that was supposed to be my pet, handed me over to the vet technician and said, “Gumbie, show her your pretty eyes!”

I shouted back, “No! No, you worthless beast that I used to call my pet! I will use my eye laser on you, you! In your sleep! You will never see another day if it’s the last thing I do!”

I don’t think she understood me. In fact, she took my head and turned me towards her and held me in a headlock so that I could not look at the veterinary technician with my laser eye. She knew what I would do. She even covered up my eye. Blasted woman. I could have finished them both with a thought!

Instead, I had to listen to the woman and the VET technician yammering on about pet vaccinations and needles and boring stuff like “feline vaccination sarcoma,” whatever that junk is. Couldn’t they just stick me and get it over with? No no no, they had to drag it out and talk about my safety, as though shoving a needle in my back has anything to do with safety.

Well, I have to tell you something. You have to be careful what you wish for. Just when I was praying for this needle stick to be over with, the real sci-fi business kicked in. The V-E-T started rubbing my behind with something that smells like beer, and she got out this strange device that can supposedly give your kitten vaccinations without a needle! I’ve only seen that on the sci-fi channel on TV and in movies!

I am now convinced that the V-E-T is not a veterinary technician but in fact a real, live, alien. The device which delivers the injection actually blows a mist against your skin with such force that it breaks your skin and goes inside. I got my kitten shots from a real, live alien. Wow! I’ve read a lot of stories about alien abductions, and I’m sure my experience was not the worst, but it wasn’t the best either. To be honest, alien abductions are not all they are cracked up to be. That device is very loud, and scared the crap out of me. I think it also temporarily disabled my laser eye, because everything went kind of wobbly after that and I just wanted to lay down for a few hours.

But now I am feeling better, and my backside is sore and so is my neck. My laser eye is working again, as I have already tested it on an insect that managed to find its way into my home. That traitor of a human pet is sitting just inches away from me now, and she says she is going to sleep soon. My moment will arrive shortly.

She will pay for her misdeeds.

It is only a matter of time, my friends.

Only a matter of time.

Share This