Greetings. My designation is Gumbie of Catnabbit! and you all will be assimilated.

It all started on Thursday afternoon when a number of things seemed to go awry. I knew that something wasn’t right when my nose stopped dripping and my human put me in the plastic torture and restraining device. I am the “Good Baby” she says, I am the “Sweet Little Gum Drop,” the “Gumbie Gumball.” Foolish woman. I have an eye laser. I can not be willfully restrained by piddly plastic and steel. Regardless of her apparent stupidity, I decided to humor her by playing along with this little game.

So she took me outside and put me in this device that growls and throws you around a lot. It is very loud, and capable of playing music. I noticed that it was blowing cool air on my face. I am the Gumbie Gumball and I have an eye laser! I can not be broken with these pitiful techniques. I squeaked out a few little “mews” so she’d think that she was getting her way, but I knew better. When she finally stopped the machine she took my box and put me in a room with a bunch of other animals in boxes.

I may be only 13 weeks old, but I can recognize the signs when I see them. She was taking me to play “alien abductions” where she gets to be the alien and I get to be the abductee. I scanned the room with my laser eye to rule out the presence of any actual aliens before I allowed her to continue on her pathetic scheme. It was safe — generally speaking.

Next, she took me to a quiet, private room that smelled like flowers. I could recognize the voice of a V-E-T in the room. And I don’t mean the veterinarian. I mean she is the Very-Evil-Technician. She was the Veterinary Technician from hell and she wanted to give me gasp! kitten vaccinations! This total jerk of a human being that was supposed to be my pet, handed me over to the vet technician and said, “Gumbie, show her your pretty eyes!”

I shouted back, “No! No, you worthless beast that I used to call my pet! I will use my eye laser on you, you! In your sleep! You will never see another day if it’s the last thing I do!”

I don’t think she understood me. In fact, she took my head and turned me towards her and held me in a headlock so that I could not look at the veterinary technician with my laser eye. She knew what I would do. She even covered up my eye. Blasted woman. I could have finished them both with a thought!

Instead, I had to listen to the woman and the VET technician yammering on about pet vaccinations and needles and boring stuff like “feline vaccination sarcoma,” whatever that junk is. Couldn’t they just stick me and get it over with? No no no, they had to drag it out and talk about my safety, as though shoving a needle in my back has anything to do with safety.

Well, I have to tell you something. You have to be careful what you wish for. Just when I was praying for this needle stick to be over with, the real sci-fi business kicked in. The V-E-T started rubbing my behind with something that smells like beer, and she got out this strange device that can supposedly give your kitten vaccinations without a needle! I’ve only seen that on the sci-fi channel on TV and in movies!

I am now convinced that the V-E-T is not a veterinary technician but in fact a real, live, alien. The device which delivers the injection actually blows a mist against your skin with such force that it breaks your skin and goes inside. I got my kitten shots from a real, live alien. Wow! I’ve read a lot of stories about alien abductions, and I’m sure my experience was not the worst, but it wasn’t the best either. To be honest, alien abductions are not all they are cracked up to be. That device is very loud, and scared the crap out of me. I think it also temporarily disabled my laser eye, because everything went kind of wobbly after that and I just wanted to lay down for a few hours.

But now I am feeling better, and my backside is sore and so is my neck. My laser eye is working again, as I have already tested it on an insect that managed to find its way into my home. That traitor of a human pet is sitting just inches away from me now, and she says she is going to sleep soon. My moment will arrive shortly.

She will pay for her misdeeds.

It is only a matter of time, my friends.

Only a matter of time.

Share This

Hello, my name is Gaston and I am one of the feline editors here at Catnabbit. I’d like to talk to you today about the raw cat food controversy.

There seems to be a number of humans who believe that we cats should eat the same kinds of foods that we ate thousands of years ago when there were no modern-day conveniences such as microwaves, stoves, can-openers and stainless steel dishes. Back then, our ancestors killed rodents and lived off of their flesh, bones, fur and feathers. We didn’t have humans to cut up and cook our food for us. There weren’t factories that could boil and seal a can full of flavorful stinky goodness for us. All we got was rodents and the occasional “table scrap” if we found a human that felt like sharing.

Fast forward thousands of years to today. Humans have McDonald’s, and we have Meow Mix, which said in reverse becomes McMeow. Of course this isn’t a healthy diet, and our increasingly porky humans are feeding us quite well. Well, “us” as in the collective feline population. The Catnabbit! household actually dines on the premium kibble, and we enjoy it nicely.

The question came up recently whether we might be in better health if we were able to ditch the carbs of dry food and go back to eating that diet we had thousands of years ago. Listen to me. Cats, don’t stand for it. You have the power of your finicky desires to refuse this joke. It isn’t about our health. Humans are getting as lazy as they are fat. They don’t even want to turn the can opener anymore. They just want to pull the chicken out of the fridge and throw it in front of you. You don’t get the joy of killing it, you don’t get to pick it apart. You just get a slab of salmonella-ridden meat that your human is too lazy to cook. “Raw cat food” is another word for “human too lazy to prepare food.”

Don’t stand for it.

Your pet humans are your pets, and they are also your slaves. You have charged them with your care and you must insist on nothing less than the best in food. If they are too lazy to prepare your food, then have them invest in a quality dry cat food dispenser and fill it up with something really high quality, like Science Diet, Purina DM cat food, or Life’s Abundance cat food. Heck, even cheap cat food would do the trick as long as it smells and tastes good to you. At least it won’t kill you.

Remember that the cats who lived thousands of years ago also had a life expectancy MUCH shorter than we have now. That’s because they didn’t have can openers!

Now, if your human is just tired of giving you something they got at a store, then maybe they should consider cooking for you. Gourmet cat food made by a chef is really great stuff. My human mentioned a recipe for homemade cat food that included salmon and avocado, but she can’t find it or else I would be posting it right here for you to print out today. The point is, you could eat a lot of things that require preparation and if your human wants to prepare you a special feast, he should do so, and frequently! Just make sure to lay off on the onions, since onions are poisonous to cats.

As a cat, you have a responsibility to keep your human in check and make sure that he provides you with a nutritious diet that is also healthy to eat. Raw food is not healthy and it is just a lazy way out. Make your human work the can opener, fill your dish with dry food, or prepare you a gourmet feast. Ask your human this — would he eat it? If he thinks he could die from a bacterial infection from eating it, then it is probably not safe for you. If he wouldn’t eat it just because he thinks it smells bad, or because he wants cow milk in his dry food, then that’s okay for you. There’s a difference between tasty and safe. There’s a difference between nutritious, and nutritious and safe.

So, say it after me:

Get in the kitchen and make me some veal!

Share This

Today is National Hairball Awareness Day, so it is the duty of all cats to make their humans aware of hairballs. Did you know that humans can get hairballs?

According to Wikipedia’s entry about Hair Balls:

Although uncommon in humans, some hairballs have been reported, often in young girls as a result of trichotillomania and pica. In 2003, a 3-year old girl in Red Deer, Alberta, Canada had a grapefruit-sized hairball surgically removed from her stomach and in 2004, an 18-year old woman from McAdam, New Brunswick, Canada had a 5-lb hairball surgically removed from her lower intestine. Hairballs can be quite hazardous in humans, since hair cannot be digested or passed by the human gastrointestinal system, and (assuming it is identified) even vomiting may be ineffective at removing the hair mass. This can result in the general impairment of the digestive system.

Be sure to tell your human about all the ways that they can prevent hair balls, especially all the methods that work best for you! Here are some tips recommended by the Catnabbit! Cats:

1. Brush your human’s hair every day, or more frequently if they have long hair. This is the perfect time to pay them back for all those loving evenings of grooming with a fine-toothed wire brush.

2. Make your human take a laxative (like mineral oil, laxatone, or petroleum jelly for cats) if they get constipated and can’t pass their hairball.

3. Remind your human to eat lots of grass or catnip every day. This will help keep hairballs from getting stuck somewhere in your system. Humans really don’t like to eat grass, but you must insist that this is for their health and prevention of hairballs!

4. If your human has long hair, the only solution might be to get a haircut. Cats with hair only 1-2 inches long don’t get as many hairballs as cats with longer hair, so recommend that your human gets his hair cut to 1-2 inches length.

Share This