16. Your cat door is retro-fitted with a garage door opener.

15. Confused guests constantly mistake you for a beanbag chair.

14. You always land on your spleen.

13. There have been fewer calls to the fire department, but there has also been a sudden upsurge in broken tree branches.

12. You have had a seventeen month pregnancy and there are still no kittens.

11. You no longer clean yourself unless you are coated in tuna juice.

10. Rosie O’Donnell fits through your kitty door without the aid of lubricants.

9. Your Cat Food dish has been replaced with a trough labeled “Lard.”

8. Your shiny coat of fur is now a fiery red polyester pants suit.

7. It’s no longer safe to lift your tail without a spotter.

6. You “stole breath” from all seven of the McCaughey septuplets — at once.

5. Larry King keeps trying to kiss you full on the lips.

4. You wait until the third bowl of food to start getting finicky.

3. You only catch mice that get trapped in your gravitational pull.

2. Your enormous gut keeps your hardwood floors freshly buffed.

and the Number 1 Sign of feline obesity…

You have more chins than lives.

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16. Couldn’t muster up sufficient disdain if all nine lives depended on it!

15. You’ve repeatedly found him in the closed garage, hunched over the wheel of your running Buick.

14. Sits for hours in fascination while listening to Bob Dole.

13. Teeth and claw marks all over your now-empty bottles of Prozac.

12. No longer licks paws clean, but washes them at the sink again and again and again…

11. Continually scratches on the door to get in… the OVEN door.

10. Doesn’t get Garfield, but laughs like hell at Marmaduke.

9. Rides in your car with its head out the window.

8. She’s a dues-paid, card-carrying member of the Reform Party.

7. You realize one day that the urine stains on the carpet actually form the letters N-E-E-D T-H-E-R-A-P-Y.

6. Has built a shrine to Andrew Lloyd Webber entirely out of empty “9 Lives” cans.

5. Spends all day in litterbox separating the green chlorophyll granules from the plain white ones.

4. After years of NPR, Tabby is suddenly a Ditto-Puss.

3. Sullen and overweight, your sunglass-wearing cat shoots the TV with a .45 Magnum when it sees cartoon depictions of stupid or lazy felines.

2. Your stereo is missing, and in the corner you find a pawn ticket and 2 kilos of catnip.

and the Number 1 Sign Your Cat has a Personality Disorder…

1. Makes an attempt on “First Cat” Sock’s life in a pathetic attempt to impress Jodie Foster.

Thanks to the anonymous emailer!

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16. Seems mighty chummy with the dog all of a sudden.

15. Unexplained calls to F. Lee Bailey’s 900 number on your bill.

14. He actually does have your tongue.

13. You find a stash of “Feline of Fortune” magazines behind the couch.

12. Cyanide pawprints all over the house.

11. You wake up to find a bird’s head in your bed.

10. As the wind blows over the grassy knoll in downtown Dallas, you get a faint whiff of catnip.

9. Droppings in litter box spell out “REDRUM.”

8. Catch him with a new mohawk looking in the mirror saying, “Mew looking at me? Mew looking at me?”

7. Takes attentive notes every time “Itchy and Scratchy” are on.

6. You find blueprints for a Rube Goldberg device that starts with a mouse chased into a hole and ends with flaming oil dumped on your bed.

5. Has taken a sudden interest in the wood chipper.

4. Instead of dead birds, leaves cartons of Marlboros on your doorstep.

3. Ball of yarn playfully tied into a hangman’s noose.

2. You find a piece of paper labeled “MY WIL” which says: “LEEV AWL 2 KAT.”

… and the Number 1 Sign Your Cat May Be Planning to Kill You …

1. Now sharpens claws on your car’s brake lines.

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