Over the last year and a half, we have received countless questions from cats just like yourself and we have tried to answer them all. Unfortunately, we haven’t been able to get around to some of them because we either didn’t know the answer or we were too busy chasing a moth that managed to get inside the house. These questions were asked by real cats who reached us using a search engine or are already faithful Catnabbit! readers. No matter which you may be, we hope that we can get to all of your questions today. If you don’t see your question answered here, please submit it again and we will get to it soon!
Without further adieu, here is our first-ever Real Questions Roundup where we will attempt to answer every question that we have so far been asked (if we haven’t answered it already).
What is Garfield’s snack of choice?
At first he said it was Lasagna, but after that we caught him munching on hot fries and Mr. Pibb.
Can cats and dogs breed together?
It depends on your definition of “breed.” If by “breed” you mean have an intercourse that results in the production of small dogs and/or cats, then no. But if by “breed” you mean running away to Vegas to get a quickie marriage and start a new life together in Hollywood where you make lots of really bad children’s movies, yes I suppose you could. But let me tell you, the years and thousands of dollars that you will spend in rehab once you achieve your fame will NOT be worth the price you paid. It’s better to just stick with your own kind. Seriously.
Do you have naughty pictures of Sonic the Hedgehog?
No. The paparazzi tried to get some for us, but they kept throwing up after following him on all those loopy roller coasters. Do you have any idea how hard it is to clean up human puke?
How about pictures of pregnant cat nipples?
No — to all five of you who asked!
What is the penalty for urinating in public in Detroit, Michigan?
Believe it or not, we get this question about two to three times a month. We are starting to wonder if you cats up in Detroit don’t have litter boxes at home. Generally, if you can keep it to a private location nobody will notice or care. But, we did look into it and we found that there are some penalties you might have to watch out for.
- Cat Caught Urinating on Mrs. Richardson’s Petunias: Likely to get you chased away with a broom if caught after the fact. Garden hose if you do it in plain sight.
- Cat Caught Urinating on a Fire Hydrant: Likely to get you urinated on by a big dog.
- Cat Caught Urinating on a Sports Utility Vehicle (SUV): Likely to get you run over, unless it is parked and unoccupied, in which case we applaud you.
- Cat Caught Urinating on a Police Officer: Likely to get you the chamber.
- Cat Caught Urinating on a Fire: Likely to get you a medal.
My cat is pregnant and ready to have kittens and I see a discharge. Is she ready to have kittens?
We get this question about 5-6 times a month and I’m guessing it’s all coming from humans PRETENDING to be cats. That’s because all cats know that if a female cat has a discharge that is furry, has four feet and a tail, it is obviously a kitten and whether she’s ready or not, they are coming!
If a black cat crosses your path will you have bad luck?
If the black cat is wearing colors, packing heat, and you just called his sister a bad name, we assume you might have a bad day. Otherwise, you’re probably pretty safe.
Do you have to tell your boss you are retiring?
Again, another question from a human clearly pretending to be a cat. Cats don’t have bosses, but humans do. And yes, humans, you need to tell your cats (that is, your bosses) if you plan to retire. They need to rearrange their nap schedule so that your afternoon tee-time doesn’t interfere with their bird-watching appointments.
Why do kittens try to steal your breath?
This is the constant problem that all cats face. Other cats are always trying to occupy the same airspace as us and it really pisses us off if they weren’t invited or if they smell bad. It’s especially bad if it’s both. We can only pretend to know the true reason that kittens try to steal the air that we breathe, for it is most likely the same reason that the grown-up kittens (that is, cats) do the same thing. They want to take over our world. The only solution is to mark your territory. If a kitten tries to steal your breath, pee on its blanket and it should go away. If it doesn’t go away, maybe your human can at least score you a free plane ticket to Jamaica so you don’t have to deal with that childish nonsense anymore.
How do I levitate?
Very simple. Murphy’s law consists of many laws which can not be broken. They are part of physics and are a fact of life.
1. Cats always land on their feet.
2. When you drop a piece of bread covered in peanut butter on one side, it will land with the peanut butter facing down.
Therefore, all you must do is strap a piece of peanut buttered bread to your back and jump out a window. You should be able to fly, but if not, you should at least stop short a few inches of the ground.
(Please don’t try this at home.)
Can you tell me a joke where the cat died and the mother died?
Uh, yeah, but it wouldn’t be very funny. What the hell is wrong with you? Lay off the catnip, son.
Can humans change into cats physically?
Ah, it is the wish of every human that he could find the magic potion that could rid him of all the worries of his complex, frustrating life and let him live the leisurely lifestyle of a pampered feline. Fat chance, loser. Humans were put here to serve us. Maybe if you double up on the kitty treats, keep our litter boxes tidy and fresh, and give us lots of furry mice to play with, you might get lucky to be a cat in your next life. But don’t count on it.
Can cats change into humans physically?
Of course, but why would we want to?
What is the proper way to kill and prepare a kosher animal?
You sound very hostile. Have you considered consulting a therapist for your anger issues?
What is true about human beings?
Hello, great philosopher. We’ve been actively studying this subject matter collectively for approximately 5 years, and we still haven’t come up with an answer. They are such fickle creatures. There are a lot of questions like this one that we struggle with every day. What is the sound of one mouse squeaking? What is the security code to the refridgerator? How many cans of 9-lives do I need to stack to climb up to get to the can opener?
What causes a cat to vomit after using the litterbox?
You need to get new humans. Obviously they are not cleaning your litter box well enough and the stench is making you throw up. You poor thing. Didn’t you notice that you were using Tina’s new sweater to cover your latest deposit?
How long can goldfish live without feeding them?
Silly cat. What you should be asking is, how long can you live without feeding on the goldfish?
How to build an international space station?
We are five cats. Do we look like rocket scientists to you? Oh, we do? Thanks for the compliment. We had to consult some Underpants Gnomes for the answer to your question, but we finally came up with the solution.
1. Google “How to build an international space station?”
2. ?
3. Profit!
Oh wait, that’s what you already did… Step 2 does seem to be the tricky one. We’ll have to get back to you on that.
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