A Cat’s Thoughts at Christmas

My fur is so soft and my face is so cute,
But don’t get the notion that I give a hoot.
Now sleeping’s the thing that I do the best,
But sometimes I yowl like I’m demon-possessed.
I can bleat like a lamb or hiss like a snake,
I can cuddle and purr and play pattycake.
My teeth are like sabers, my claws are sharp too,
I could rip up your sofa if I had a mind to.

My needs are so humble my body so small,
Fastidious, quick, with lots on the ball.
If I’m in the mood you can give me a hug.
Sometimes I get sick and I puke on the rug.

I can run like a deer and I kick like a mule,
And to quote Mr. T, “I pity the fool”
or the one who annoys me or hassles my life
‘Cause I’ll fill up his days with scratching and strife.

Stealthy and savage are predators ways,
A wildlife assassin for all of my days.
When I’m slathered in gore deconstructing a mouse
I feel like a tiger, the lord of the house.

If I’m wheezing and gagging I hope you don’t mind,
It’s a big honkin’ hairball and I’ll be just fine.
It comes from the lapping and grooming and stuff,
And the fact that my tongue is sandpapery rough.

My ears are all pointy, my teeth are sharp too,
I bury my duty, and few critters do.
I can see in the dark, grab a fly from the air,
Hear a hummingbird hiccup from way over there.

A bag of clean laundry, it just smells so great.
You can dump it right here and please call me at eight.
Though I’m naughty and snotty you love me to death.
And I like you much better with fish on your breath.

I’m clean and I’m dainty, I like to climb trees,
And sometimes my dander can cause folks to sneeze.
When startled or challenged I puff up my fur,
But scratching my ears will get me to purr.

Tuna fish, birdies, the sun on the sill,
These are my goodies till I’m over the hill.
Curiosity leads me to get all my kicks.
Life is so sweet when you’ve mastered the tricks.

Snoozing in sunbeams, alert for a noise,
I love to sniff catnip and play with my toys.
A treasure to cherish for husband or wife,
Adorable me, I’m the cat in your life.

By Fred Brennion, December, 1997

This was emailed to me this morning and we think it is a delightful poem. Thanks Fred!

I also wrote a poem this morning.

Roses are red, Catnip is green,
Please give me your catnip or I’ll get really mean!

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Dear Catnabbit!

Of 16 cats, 25% preferred salmon flavored cat food, 25% preferred liver and onions, and 50% prefferred tuna. To find out how many cats preferred liver and onions, which percent proportion would you use?

Sincerely,

Robby Puppykat
Garland, Texas

Dear Robby,

Thank you for writing to us. In order to answer your question, I visited behind the dark area behind the refrigerator to speak with the dust bunnies. It’s a psychic technique which I like to call Refrigerdustology. I have communicated with the dust bunnies and they have spoken.

Firstly, they tell me that it is terribly awful that any commercial cat food would sell a “liver and onions” flavored cat food. This is because cats are severely allergic to onions (It’s true! Ask your vet!). After eating onions, a cat’s kidneys will begin a self-destruct timer between the periods of six and 72 hours. Depending on the actual amount of onions ingested, the cat will either spontaneously implode, suffer extreme kidney damage, or have a case of bad gas. In any case, we do not recommend trying this at home.

Next, the dust bunnies tell me that it would be wrong for us to do the homework for a young kitten such as yourself. Therefore, we made a cheese chart which will hopefully answer the question for you through deductive reasoning, which you should have used in the first place:

Lastly, regarding your unasked question about the missing plastic ball with the bell in the middle: it can be found in the human’s litterbox, behind the toilet. Be careful when retrieving it, because your human has had too much eggnog and he is going to miss.

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Dear Catnabbit!

I wanted to write to you about a terrible thing that is happening on a website called Myspace. Hopefully if you can get the word out, cats everywhere will be safe from the growing menace of humans masquerading as cats!

It all started about a month ago when I first signed up to Myspace. My friends had told me about this great site where I could meet other cats to make friends and maybe even find a nice young Tomcat to have a fling with! I made a page with my own profile and I found out that I could even write my own blog! I quickly found some groups for other cats who are on Myspace and they all wanted to be my friend!

Before long, I had close to a hundred “friends” who all purported themselves to be cats. I thought I was the luckiest cat in the world when Oliver asked me on a date! He was the hottest tom on myspace, and he wanted to see me in real life! Of course I wanted to meet with him! So we arranged to meet in the alley behind Target, and he promised to bring the fish and catnip for a nice romantic dinner date.

Oh Catnabbit, if I had only listened to the rumors I had heard! Oliver was no cat! He didn’t even look anything like the picture in his Myspace profile! He wasn’t a cat, a dog, or even a ferret. He was a man! A fat, hairy man who looked like he was in his 40’s. Of course, as soon as he introduced himself as Oliver and said, “Here, kitty” I took off in the other direction!

When I told my friends about this, I found out that I was not the first to be duped by this sinister man. In fact, this guy apparently has several Myspace profiles he uses, to lure cats into meeting him. Some cats have gone to meet him and no one ever saw them again! We think that maybe he is taking them home and restricting their internet access, and we have no idea what he might be doing to them!

Please, Catnabbit, get the word out! The cats on Myspace need to know that a human can very easily present himself as a cat, so everyone needs to be careful when planning to meet another feline online! I was fortunate enough to get away, but someone else might not be so lucky!

Sincerely,

Dobbie (a real live cat)

Hi Dobbie,

Thanks for letting us know! Catnabbit has had a small presence on Myspace for quite some time, but we have been careful not to meet any cats that we talk to online. You just can’t be too careful these days.

One thing we’ve noticed is that the most suspicious cats on Myspace use premade Myspace layouts. Usually if a cat is genuine, he’s smart enough and has enough time to make a Myspace layout of his own. Humans are more lazy than we are (believe it or not) and are more likely to use a premade layout to quickly “get down to business” of luring people or cats under false pretenses. Be on guard!

One advantage cats have over humans is that a large percentage of us are spayed or neutered and therefore don’t have an absolute need to meet in “real life” in order to communicate with other cats. In fact, almost all cats would prefer to never meet another cat except for reasons of procreation.

So, keep your feline friends far and your enemies further!

If you are still interested in Myspace, we have uncovered several links to Cat Groups on Myspace (you have been warned):

smitten kittens of myspace
*Cat Lovers*
Cats Kittens and Felines
Cats Rock!
We Hate the Vet!
The Catnip Party Network
Cats Rule! Dogs Drool!

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