For thousands of years, humans have clung to the belief of a superhuman who had the ability to conquer death and turn water into wine. Felines have long-held that their savior, too, would come. In recent startling events, many cats have considered that the Jesus Cat has indeed come.

On Wednesday this week, the alleged Jesus Cat was spotted in a cat colony where over 500 cats are said to be residents. The abandoned colony has seen several weeks without food, but the Jesus Cat appeared “out of thin air” and turned an old fish bone into exactly 500 fresh, flopping trouts — enough to feed all of the cats. Likewise, he took an old crusty Pounce treat and transformed it into over 10,000 treats. The cats then had to wade through all of the food!

Additionally, reports have come in from several states where Jesus Cat has been sighted turning grass into catnip, much to the joy of cats in every yard he visited. One cat from California commented that Jesus Cat performed several healing miracles in his area, including re-clawing every declawed cat in the state (this report has not been verified). In another story, the Kitty Christ appeared at a cat shelter where approximately 50 cats had been euthanized. Each of the cats were raised from the dead and transported to a no-kill shelter in a nearby suburb.

Although we have yet to observe these miracles on our own, the reports seem encouraging. Have the times finally arrived? If the prophecies are true, then the Jesus Cat will defeat cats’ number-one enemy: The Vacuum Cleaner. Keep your eyes peeled, this could be it!

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Just days ago, Britney Spears was caught using an expensive Zac Posen dress to mop up the feces of her newest little dog, while she was on the set at OK! Magazine. During the event she was also observed performing other strange behaviors such as scratching and rubbing on her perhaps-itchy genitals and urinating with the help of an assistant. While these behaviors aren’t exactly unacceptable to cats - we do these things ourselves from time to time - we are quite impressed to know that Ms. Spears gives the same special treatment to her pet cat, who asked to remain anonymous.

In an exclusive interview with Britney Spears’s Cat (here forward to be called “The B.S. Cat”), we are told that Ms. Spears has routinely lined his litter box with name brand designer clothing from labels such as Gucci, Chanel, and Versace. On several occasions The B.S. Cat discovered discarded underwear in his box. “It’s not like she wears it anyway,” he told us nonchalantly. There is no way to tell how long some items have been in there, although the cat tells us that his human complains of having misplaced several important items several years ago.

The B.S. Cat also tells us that when his box becomes too dirty to bear, he simply uses one of her designer handbags. He speculates that the scent of the inside of the bags might explain why she always carries her cigarettes and personal items in-hand instead of stowing them away.

The OK! Magazine article did not include pictures of the aforementioned events, however sources close to Spears have been moving their alliances to the pop star’s former husband, Kevin Federline. He seeks custody of both of her children, however The B.S. Cat is hoping that he might also be included in the divorce agreement. Federline could probably fetch a nice allowance for the cat’s expenses, including several thousand dollars a week for fresh Zac Posen dresses to line “the pan.”

Good Luck B.S. Cat, you will certainly need it!

For those who came here looking for actual satire, we’re sorry if we disappointed you. Check out The Carnival of Satire for the latest satire of the week!

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NEW YORK - A 2-year-old mixed Domestic Shorthair - Russian Blue cat has officially changed her legal name to the sound of a can opener.

The cat formerly known as Weeza, pictured above with her pet human, chose to change her name because she feels that the name suits her better. “They call me with this name more often than they call me Weeza. It only makes sense that this must be my name instead.”

Previously, cats have changed their names due to being born with a poorly-chosen name (such as those on Catnabbit!’s previous Top 100 list of Worst Cat Names Ever), or when their humans begin to call the cat “No!” or “Stopthat!” instead of their given name. The cat formerly known as The artist formerly known as Prince’s cat changed his name when his human chose a symbol for a name. That cat chose a symbol as well, which looks like the red dot of a laser pointer.

The cat formerly known as Weeza is the first known and documented case of a name change to the sound of a can opener.

Click here to hear the sound of a can opener which has been legally documented as this cat’s new name.

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