WASHINGTON, D.C. - The Cats on Capitol Hill are up in paws today after the leak of a report that felines are losing the War on String.
According to the report, the total kitty casualties in the War on String are staggering. 2,231 cats have died in the line of duty, while over 20,000 have been wounded. It is unknown how many strings have suffered the similar fates, however it is estimated that the cats are outnumbered by at least 3,407%. The numbers are staggering, but resolve is not in shortage. Cats everywhere dredge up the courage to get up in the morning, brush the dust off their boots, and head back into battle.
“Yeah, it’s a tough battle,” said a Russian Blue cat who calls himself Percy, after he tackled a piece of string for the fourth time today. “I get out there, and do my thing, but if you take one down, another five come in its place. It’s an endless, tiresome job. But if we don’t fight the fight, who will protect us?”
Percy has endured his share of injuries during the conflict. In 1999, a piece of string attempted to choke him to death, leaving scars around his neck. Then, in 2001 another string leapt out at him by surprise, causing the cat to jump up and bruise his back on an overhead table. Although he has had no long-lasting disability from this, he knows there are other cats out there that have had it much worse than him.
“It’s everything I can do,” he says, “to go and do what I know how to do best. When we have won this war, then I will rest.”
My feline brother, Brach, had a mishap with some string, causing him to have surgery to repair 18 holes in his intestines and a huge cut at the back of his tongue.
Despite crawling back from this injury, he, like many cats, continue to battle string day in and day out. I’d call it an unhealthy addiction!
[...] String — The War on String has been a long, uphill battle. Earlier this year, a feline celebrity named Brach almost succumbed to the wounds of combat but in the end he was victorious. String is a dangerous threat to all cats and will try to choke us to death if we do not take them down! [...]