Greetings. My designation is Gumbie of Catnabbit! and you all will be assimilated.

It all started on Thursday afternoon when a number of things seemed to go awry. I knew that something wasn’t right when my nose stopped dripping and my human put me in the plastic torture and restraining device. I am the “Good Baby” she says, I am the “Sweet Little Gum Drop,” the “Gumbie Gumball.” Foolish woman. I have an eye laser. I can not be willfully restrained by piddly plastic and steel. Regardless of her apparent stupidity, I decided to humor her by playing along with this little game.

So she took me outside and put me in this device that growls and throws you around a lot. It is very loud, and capable of playing music. I noticed that it was blowing cool air on my face. I am the Gumbie Gumball and I have an eye laser! I can not be broken with these pitiful techniques. I squeaked out a few little “mews” so she’d think that she was getting her way, but I knew better. When she finally stopped the machine she took my box and put me in a room with a bunch of other animals in boxes.

I may be only 13 weeks old, but I can recognize the signs when I see them. She was taking me to play “alien abductions” where she gets to be the alien and I get to be the abductee. I scanned the room with my laser eye to rule out the presence of any actual aliens before I allowed her to continue on her pathetic scheme. It was safe — generally speaking.

Next, she took me to a quiet, private room that smelled like flowers. I could recognize the voice of a V-E-T in the room. And I don’t mean the veterinarian. I mean she is the Very-Evil-Technician. She was the Veterinary Technician from hell and she wanted to give me gasp! kitten vaccinations! This total jerk of a human being that was supposed to be my pet, handed me over to the vet technician and said, “Gumbie, show her your pretty eyes!”

I shouted back, “No! No, you worthless beast that I used to call my pet! I will use my eye laser on you, you! In your sleep! You will never see another day if it’s the last thing I do!”

I don’t think she understood me. In fact, she took my head and turned me towards her and held me in a headlock so that I could not look at the veterinary technician with my laser eye. She knew what I would do. She even covered up my eye. Blasted woman. I could have finished them both with a thought!

Instead, I had to listen to the woman and the VET technician yammering on about pet vaccinations and needles and boring stuff like “feline vaccination sarcoma,” whatever that junk is. Couldn’t they just stick me and get it over with? No no no, they had to drag it out and talk about my safety, as though shoving a needle in my back has anything to do with safety.

Well, I have to tell you something. You have to be careful what you wish for. Just when I was praying for this needle stick to be over with, the real sci-fi business kicked in. The V-E-T started rubbing my behind with something that smells like beer, and she got out this strange device that can supposedly give your kitten vaccinations without a needle! I’ve only seen that on the sci-fi channel on TV and in movies!

I am now convinced that the V-E-T is not a veterinary technician but in fact a real, live, alien. The device which delivers the injection actually blows a mist against your skin with such force that it breaks your skin and goes inside. I got my kitten shots from a real, live alien. Wow! I’ve read a lot of stories about alien abductions, and I’m sure my experience was not the worst, but it wasn’t the best either. To be honest, alien abductions are not all they are cracked up to be. That device is very loud, and scared the crap out of me. I think it also temporarily disabled my laser eye, because everything went kind of wobbly after that and I just wanted to lay down for a few hours.

But now I am feeling better, and my backside is sore and so is my neck. My laser eye is working again, as I have already tested it on an insect that managed to find its way into my home. That traitor of a human pet is sitting just inches away from me now, and she says she is going to sleep soon. My moment will arrive shortly.

She will pay for her misdeeds.

It is only a matter of time, my friends.

Only a matter of time.

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