MICHIGAN – Toonces has long enchanted the hearts of television viewers after his appearances on Saturday Night Live starring as Toonces, the Driving Cat, but little did anyone know that his evil twin sister, Floonces, really does have a drinking problem. Late Sunday evening, Floonces was arrested on charges of Drunk Driving and Public Urination, suggesting to those of us at Catnabbit! that she may have been the one to write in advance asking what the penalties might be.
According to authorities, the red 1987 Ford purported to be owned by Floonces the Drunk Driving Cat was seen flying off a cliff late Sunday evening. When police arrived at the scene, the cat was discovered to be urinating on the telephone pole with which her car had collided. The Feline floozy then proceeded to fail all three (videotaped) field sobriety tests which the police gave her. When asked to touch her paw to her nose, she laid down and went on to lick her behind. When asked to recite the alphabet, Floonces stumbled after “n.” She claimed, according to the arrest report, that the letter “n” was followed by “i, z, m, n, o, p, q, r, s, t, v, z, t, u, v……….x,y,z.” Lastly, when the cat was asked to walk a straight line, turn around, and walk back, Floonces took thirteen steps and fell forward, flat on her face.
Although the legal limit in Michigan is 0.08, Floonces tested for a blood alcohol level of 5.72. This level would be considered “beyond fatal” by most veterinarians and physicians, but Floonces may have survived her accident because of the amount of alcohol in her system. One county jail employee was quoted as saying, “That’s more like blood in her alcohol stream.”
After posting a $25 bond, Floonces the Drunk Driving Cat was released at 8:20 a.m. from the county lockup. Upon her release, she was given back her personal belongings which included fourteen pounds of catnip, a “black cat” shot glass, six cans of Pounce cat treats, and a plastic water gun.