Here are this week’s Kitty scopes. If you aren’t sure about which Kitty scope belongs to you, check out our article, “What’s my Kitty Scope Sign?” located here.

Tabby cats
The sources don’t lie: you have not been nearly finicky enough lately. The best solution to this problem is to just taste a small portion of everything for the entire week. For this week, never eat an entire portion of anything. Start with the Christmas gifts, sampling a tiny section out of every package. Then, move on to the furniture, the human’s food, the dog’s food, the water in the fish tank, the bathtub, the sink, the toilet, and even your own dinner. If anything tastes too bad, or too good, don’t eat it. Refuse. You can afford to skip a few meals anyway. To reward yourself at the end of the week, you can eat an entire six pound bag of Premium Edge Finicky Adult Cat Chicken, Salmon & Vegetables Formula.

Ticked Tabby cats (Abyssinians)
You’ve been working those vocal chords extra hard, and they need a break. The late night serenades are great, but you could probably maximize profit by reducing your number of performances and increasing ticket prices. You do charge for your performances, right? After a long show, treat your throat to a rest and lots of liquids. In your future, we see Salmon Flavored Milk. And wow, it’s easy on your budget!

Torbie cats
Have you noticed that even though you are the master of your home, you are never allowed to answer the telephone? Assert yourself on this subject each time the phone rings. Since it’s a holiday week, it’s going to be ringing a lot. Try not to go hoarse, but get your point across loudly and incessantly. Don’t cave on this one. When you are finally allowed to pick up the phone when it rings, try not to answer it with “Hello.” A simple meow will do. Soon enough you’ll be presented with your very own cell phone. When you do, you can put it in this neat cell phone holder.

Tortoiseshell cats
No wonder you’re so grumpy - all you got for Christmas was a tube of Laxatone. Well, there’s still hope for you yet. After all, there’s only one week left of the year and this is it! Make the most of it by enjoying all of your favorite pleasures, such as digging those claws into the furniture, practicing backflips at 3 o’clock in the morning, and passing gas when there is company present. If a human comes looking for you, just hide behind the refridgerator and laugh at them.

Calico cats
That pesky mailmain is always bringing bad news. This bad news is angering the humans in your house, which is angering the dog, which is angering you. Get the problem at the source: on Tuesday, when the mailman arrives, leave a present in the mailbox, like a mouse. If he comes back for more on Wednesday, leave him another bribe, like a dead bird. If he comes back again on Thursday, leave all of Tuesday and Wednesday’s mail, shredded to bits. If he comes again on Friday, he’s used you for all you’re prepared to give, so leave him a poop. On Saturday, put up a Calico Cat Mailbox to warn him who owns your house.

Bi-color cats
Let it snow, Let it snow, Let it snow! There’s a danger of being caught out in the elements if you are out too long in these shortened days, so be sure to leave a “back way” in to your home. Since you have so much white fur on you, you can use all the snow to your advantage, by blending in as much as possible to maximize your chances to pounce on a rodent looking for post-Christmas snacks. If you want to check the weather before going out, looks and windows can be deceiving. Get a Aspects Cat in Window Thermometer to help you know what to expect!

Harlequin cats
Help your pet human uncover a mystery this week. Start by shredding all documents in the house, but read them first to inspect the evidence (then destroy it). After that, follow all strangers around the house. If you have trouble keeping up, hook onto their pants leg (careful not to damage their skin, lest they try to swat you). Observe all their behavior. Then, act on what you have learned. Try reading Hiss and Tell for inspiration.

Van cats
You should try cooking, since you like to eat so much. First, start with some dead prey, such as a mouse, bird, or insect. If you’re lucky, maybe you can catch a fresh fish from the tank. Your human will leave a skillet on the stove one day this week, so that will be the night you are expected to cook for yourself. Put your prey in the skillet and turn on the stove. Don’t forget to time your cooking using a Cat Kitchen Timer so your food doesn’t burn!

Solid cats
This week, you will discover a new talent. You can communicate with plants! Walk right up to the nearest houseplant or tree and engage in a conversation. How is the plant doing ? Isn’t the sunshine great today? Did it get what it wanted for Christmas? If you don’t have any plants at home, consider an inexpensive Cat Grass Garden. Remember, if the houseplant is rude or unresponsive, you can just eat it.

Tuxedo cats
You are beautiful, and deserve the very best. Your human worships you, as it very well should! This week, some competition will begin looming around the doorstep. Obviously, while you would win in any beauty contest, you don’t want the riff raff hanging around your doorstep. Need a scarecrow? We recommend the Cat Face Thing.

Pointed cats (Siamese)
Ah, the world is at the tips of your paws. You got that black beret for Christmas, didn’t you? Now all you need is the cigarettes and the coffee to go with it. We found this Zippo Lighter engraved with Siamese Cat which would go great with your getup. This week, learn to speak French (start with the word moi which means “me”), stop shaving your legs, and learn to appreciate wine. If you can’t find any wine, then a little whine might work instead!

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