Here are this week’s Kitty scopes. If you aren’t sure about which Kitty scope belongs to you, check out our article, “What’s my Kitty Scope Sign?” located here.
Tabby cats
One of your New Year’s resolutions is to spend more time savoring the many delectable tastes of as many different types of houseplants as possible. Although this is a grand idea, you’ll last approximately three days before you get really sick to your stomach from all the greens. By the end of the week, you’ll have recovered. Your lucky number this week is 94.
Ticked Tabby cats (Abyssinians)
This year, you have resolved to find yourself a job. Great idea! However, your future looks bleak in the careers of door-to-door salescat and seeing-eye cat. You will have much better luck as a taste tester for cat food, and you’ll also enjoy the work. If you find yourself in the unemployment line by Friday, consider prostitution.
Torbie cats
After the karaoke fiasco at the New Year’s Eve party, you don’t want to show your face again all week. We agree that you shouldn’t show your face, but there’s nothing wrong with wearing a mask. There’s a lot you can do when you’re wearing a mask, like go trick-or-treating, rob a bank, pretend you’re Richard Nixon. Remember these words: I am not a crook!
Tortoiseshell cats
Even you are in high spirits at the clean slates a New Year can provide. To clean your slate a little better, you can take a bath in gasoline and ask if anyone has a match — or you could simply go around and apologize to other cats whom you have had altercations with in recent months. We know you’d prefer the gasoline, but you might actually make some friends if you try to make amends.
Calico cats
You have started off the New Year by deciding to study to become a veterinarian. What has gotten into you? Well, we can’t try to stop you. Perhaps you have developed a sick sense of humor or just a weird desire to dissect dogs in school. Try not to be too cruel to the puppies, and remember - you have to visit a veterinarian too.
Bi-color cats
There are two sides to everything, yin and yang, heads and tails, entrance and exits, good and evil. Fill the world with joy as you discover new balance in the new year. Or, you could fill the world with joy as you discover you are completely out of balance in the new year. You are the one who keeps missing those jumps, right? Try not to fall on your head!
Harlequin cats
Serenade the love of your life this week, and they will return the favor. This might happen around 3 in the morning, so make sure you have the earplugs ready for your humans or they will be mighty angry. Take your loved one out on a date to the garbage bin in the alley — there will be a special surprise there on Wednesday!
Van cats
This week, you will surprise and amaze everyone when you get up and move three inches across the floor and lay down again. Make sure it is accompanied with much pomp and circumstance such as a marching band, confetti, and elaborate parades. It is a magnificent 3 inches, after all. Try not to embarrass yourself by yawning along the way.
Solid cats
You will spend approximately 5 hours this week chasing your tail. In an instant, you will catch it, but it will break free again about thirty seconds after you realize you just sank your own claws into your own body. As you go tearing down the halls screaming bloody murder, remember: you did this to yourself.
Tuxedo cats
Happy New Year, Tuxedo! You asked your human for a silver platter to serve your dinner on, and you are still waiting. On Monday, you should upgrade your request to 18 karat gold. If your requests are not satisfied by Thursday, start harvesting all gold objects in the house and store them under the stove, so that you can melt them down and make the damn plate yourself.
Pointed cats (Siamese)
We predict a lot of sleep for you this week. After the wild New Year’s Eve party, you’ll be nursing a hangover from all that catnip for at least a week, if not the better part of the year. Enjoy the rest while you can. You are going to need it if you plan to get lucky in love on the 5th!