It’s a dirty job, but someone’s got to do it. The NSA has hired two cats who call themselves Covert and Spanky to build an electronic database of kitty litter boxes in order to get the “scoop” on America’s cats. These cats aren’t your ordinary cats, either: they have the unique ability to emit laser beams from their eyes. Outraged felines complain that this is an invasion of privacy and they have no means of recourse due to the cats’ unique “defense” mechanisms.

So far, it is unclear why the NSA seems to be so interested in the personal business of the nation’s cats. When confronted about the legality of amassing the litter box details about each cat, the NSA stated that it is not against the law since local authorities are turning over materials that the cats have thrown out and don’t want anyway. Further, the president said, that the government is “not mining or trolling through the personal lives of millions of innocent Americans.” Cats disagree because the collection of the several megatons of crap without a warrant is a violation of the Fourth Amendment guarantees against unreasonable search and seizure.

In the past there have been laws enacted which state that the government must get a special court-order to collect this sort of data. However, the NSA is bypassing these laws and a cover-up (no pun intended, really) is suspected. Covert and Spanky have allegedly already checked the poop scoop of 14 million cats and they show no signs of stopping. Any cat who confronts them about the carefully-buried materials may be subjected to Covert and Spanky’s laser beams, or worse, being added to the kitty litter box database themselves.

Friday Ark

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