Over 1 million cats decried an obscure magazine today after it issued a cartoon depicting a human, an unholy Vacuum Cleaner, and a cat. This latest installment in “The Cartoon Wars” comes after a long line of caricatures of religious, political, and other entities in offensive imagery.
The Cartoon Wars have been a hot topic this year, sparking world-wide debate on wheter there should be limits on free speech where other cultures may be offended. Most recently, an Oregon student newspaper published images of a Christian deity in artwork which could be considered blasphemous mostly by humans, but also by some cats who might practice in the Christian religion.
The Vacuum Cleaner is an unholy Beast which terrorizes all houses, apartments, condos, and other homes at least twice per week. In some unfortunate circumstances, the home’s Beast may reveal itself more frequently, especially if the house is occupied by a “neat freak” or an especially messy individual. Long-haired cats seem to be plagued by more visits from the unholy Vacuum Cleaner, although short-haired cats are far from exempt from such unholy terrors. In fact, there have been several instances where cats have been eaten by a hungry Vacuum Cleaner. The horrendous Vacuum Beast is a dangerous force which should not be approached under any circumstances — especially when it is awake.
Cats worldwide rioted after hearing of this blasphemous depiction. The casualties so far are as follows:
Carpets urinated on: 9,321
Humans rudely awoken: 3,566
Couches shredded: 1,329
Litter boxes overturned: 893
Wedding rings tossed under the fridge: 94
Important papers chewed up: 32
Dogs bitten: 2
Nature abhors a vacuum, but not as much as cats do. — Lee Entrekin
My humans had their carpets replaced with wood laminate and threw away their ancient vacuum cleaner. Cats everywhere should petition their humans to do the same.
[...] The Vacuum Cleaner — As we have stated previously: The Vacuum Cleaner is an unholy Beast which terrorizes all houses, apartments, condos, and other homes at least twice per week. In some unfortunate circumstances, the home’s Beast may reveal itself more frequently, especially if the house is occupied by a “neat freak” or an especially messy individual. Long-haired cats seem to be plagued by more visits from the unholy Vacuum Cleaner, although short-haired cats are far from exempt from such unholy terrors. In fact, there have been several instances where cats have been eaten by a hungry Vacuum Cleaner. The horrendous Vacuum Beast is a dangerous force which should not be approached under any circumstances — especially when it is awake. [...]