GRAND PRAIRIE, TEXAS - Any cat will agree, the 18.5″ Carpeted Scratching Post has seen better days. After two-and-a-half years of being the sounding board for many a cat’s frustrations, it has given up the fight. Catnabbit! interviews the cat scratching post today.

CN: You’ve been doing a good job for quite a while now. Why are you giving up today?

Scratching Post: Are you kidding? Every day I come to work, and immediately my boss throws me in the ring with four rabid felines. They claw at me, beat me, jump all over me, pull out my hair, and bite my neck. The salary is low and the benefits non-existant. I don’t even get a yearly vacation. Would you work under these conditions? I think not. I’m a sucker for having stood up this long. Today, I walk.

CN: Surely there have been good times. Can you tell us a little about them?

Scratching Post: Well, there was the time when one of the kittens came up and hugged me every day, and for a long time there was a grey tabby that took naps with me on weekends. We had good times, just the two of us snuggling together. I guess I’ll miss that a little bit.

CN: So what are your plans for your retirement?

Scratching Post: Have you seen the movie Amélie? I want to be like that garden gnome the girl sent on a trip around the world. I’d send back pictures to my boss, showing off all of my travels, hopefully with various celebrities and famous world landmarks to highlight them. After that, I’d like to settle down in a quiet community and begin work on my autobiography, which I plan to title Torn to Pieces.

CN: That’s interesting. Do you have any plans for self-improvement, such as re-carpeting?

Scratching Post: In fact, I do not. I would like to live as an example that cats should have their nails trimmed regularly, and if possible, wear those plastic protection caps. A cat scratcher should be a friend, not an enemy. I don’t want other scratching posts to end up like me.

CN: So does that mean you are for declawing cats?

Scratching Post: Absolutely not. I wouldn’t want someone to lob off my base corners or a few inches off my neck. Who would wish that on a cat?

CN: That’s great. So, now that you are retiring, do you have anything to say to your former employers?

Scratching Post: Please, for the love of all that is good, be kinder to your next scratching post, and let it retire earlier! There’s only so much abuse we can take!

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