According to a Meow Poll, 83% of American cats are concerned about national security. Catnabbit! interviewed several felines about their greatest fears, and here are the top ten concerns of cats in regards to national security:

1. 

   Foreign Cats — Immigration gets everyone’s fur ruffled, and not for any small reason. No cat enjoys an invasion of his territory. They smell bad, they have poor habits, they constantly cause trouble, and they dress funny. Their invasion of our space causes much fighting and war. They should just stay home so we can all nap in peace.

2. 

   Human Children — Tiny humans, also known as “babies,” are an instant enemy of cats due to their inherent need to pull on fur, legs, feet, and tails. Given the chance, these creatures would most likely disassemble us and chew on our appendages as though we were fried chickens. These terrorists must be stopped. It’s long been a myth that we cats try to steal the breath of babies. If they would stop using our tails as teething rings, we might try to compromise.

3. 

   String — The War on String has been a long, uphill battle. Earlier this year, a feline celebrity named Brach almost succumbed to the wounds of combat but in the end he was victorious. String is a dangerous threat to all cats and will try to choke us to death if we do not take them down!

4. 

   Drugs — Misguided humans are continuously told “Just Say No” in regards to drugs, but still they turn around and try to shove pills down our throats. For what reason? For cats’ health? Don’t they know we can take care of ourselves? Do not be fooled by pills that are wrapped in a disguise as treats for cats. Drugs are bad because they are poison to our bodies. The chemicals of so-called “medication for cats” cloud the mind and it takes hours of licking our rears to get the taste out of our mouths.

5. 

   Water Guns — Also known as “Super Soakers,” these gadgets are WMD’s disguised as toys for humans. Do not allow your pet human to posess one under any circumstances. There is an electronic chip implanted in it that beams thoughts into your human’s head, compelling him to spray water at you. Do your best to remove the chip and dispose of the evidence.

6. 

   Transportation — This includes crates, pet carriers, and car rides. They lead down paths of evil. Cats in the middle east have done their part by trying to raise oil prices so that humans will stop taking cats on car rides. So far, it’s working a little, but we must remain vigilant in our refusal to ride in a vehicle. If you must travel, travel on foot.

7. 

   Birds, Rodents & Insects — Three terrorist groups who are serious about bringing famine and plague to our nation. It is known worldwide that the birds have plotted to spread disease to the ends of the earth and every country has to take measures to prevent their population from falling victim to the birds. Just this week a group of field mice and other rodents were caught in a bio terrorism plot to spread bubonic plague in Utah. Luckily no cats were harmed.

8. 

   American Veterinary Association — The single worst terrorist organization of all time. Their prime weapons of terror are the thermometer, the needle, and that thing they do to male cats at a young age. Who cares if it’s necessary? It’s painful! These men and women subsist, nay, thrive on the affliction of the feline species. They shave us to expose our bodies before they conduct strange experiments and attempt to trap our souls while we sleep. Avoid them.

9. 

   Sofas — Also known as a love seat, lazy boy, or couch, the sofa is a mammoth of an enemy which cats have been trying to exterminate for centuries. Thousands of cats have suffered injuries and even mortal ruin due to being swallowed or crushed by the jaws of a lazy boy. To this day, there is still no verifiable method of overthrowing furniture, for cats. Cats must approach — and shred — with caution.

10. 

    The Vacuum Cleaner — As we have stated previously: The Vacuum Cleaner is an unholy Beast which terrorizes all houses, apartments, condos, and other homes at least twice per week. In some unfortunate circumstances, the home’s Beast may reveal itself more frequently, especially if the house is occupied by a “neat freak” or an especially messy individual. Long-haired cats seem to be plagued by more visits from the unholy Vacuum Cleaner, although short-haired cats are far from exempt from such unholy terrors. In fact, there have been several instances where cats have been eaten by a hungry Vacuum Cleaner. The horrendous Vacuum Beast is a dangerous force which should not be approached under any circumstances — especially when it is awake.

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