WILLIAMSBURG, VA - A 52-year-old man is suffering from a nervous breakdown after a routine annual examination was cancelled by one of his patients.
Dr. Stan Daugherty sees several patients a day, but he claims he has never felt so rejected as he did last Friday when Mittens cancelled her yearly appointment. “I just wanted to provide the best in- veterinary- care,” Dr. Daugherty choked and sobbed.
He went on to describe what would have happened during the appointment. “First I would have shoved my fingers in her mouth and pried it open, checking for signs of diseases. Then I would have tugged her ears backwards and talked to her very loudly to make sure she isn’t deaf. After that I would have jabbed my dirty fingers in her belly at least forty times to check for lumps, bumps, and other anomalies. To top it off, I would mess up her hours of bathing by pushing her fur all over the place with my grubby hands.” He added, “It’s necessary to do that, you know, to check for fleas.”
After that, Dr. Daugherty went on to tell reporters that since Mittens is over seven years old, she would then need to be stabbed and bled almost dry in order to collect enough samples to determine that she is perfectly healthy. “That’s because only healthy cats are eligible for FVRCP and Rabies vaccinations,” he asserted. “If Mittens was determined to be eligible for our line of low cost feline vaccinations, then she would have been treated to between two and five more stabs with a sharp needle.”
Unfortunately for Dr. Daugherty, Mittens cancelled her appointment last Friday, without giving any sort of explanation. Since then, the veterinarian has sunk into a deep depression and nothing seems to be helping. He tried medication, watching comedy films, inviting a clown over to visit, and reading the Sunday comics. He has not smiled since the cancellation, and he has had trouble getting out of bed in the morning. “Sometimes I just wish I never was born,” Daugherty said in his interview.
Mittens the cat could not be contacted for a statement.